Limbo
by OfficeFanNicole
Summary: An angsty oneshot about Kelly feeling she is stuck in Limbo.


**Oh, the angst! Kelly has always been an upbeat, chipper character. I wanted to explore what is really behind the woman we see on screen nearly every week. It's not necessarily a happy tale, but I suppose there is some hope to be found in it.**

**Disclaimer: I am waaaay too poor to own anything associated with this fine show.**

Kelly has taken to walking around in the dark. She's not sure why she does it, but it's an automatic thing now. She never would have done this a year ago. Though she would be much too embarrassed to admit it to anyone, she's never quite gotten over her fear of the dark. Maybe that's because her love of scary movies doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence in her when everything is pitch black?

In any event, she doesn't bother to flip the switch while walking around at night anymore. For someone who used to be obsessed with getting her solid 8 hours of beauty sleep, Kelly couldn't bring herself to really care anymore. She found herself waking from restless sleep several times throughout the night. She'd go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, find a midnight snack all without the aid of modern electricity.

The first couple of weeks she would be covered in bruises the next day (clumsiness was a trait that forever plagued her). By now, though, she knew her apartment's layout by heart, and she could navigate it nearly perfectly (every once in a while a kitten heel laying the middle of the floor would trip her up…literally).

She's not even sure why she does it…she just woke up one night and thought, "Why bother?" So this had become part of her routine, and in some way, it soothed her.

If Kelly were being truly honest with herself, she would realize there IS a reason she walks around in the dark. If she turned the light on and stood in front of that mirror, she would have to admit to herself, "You are alone." That, much more than darkness, scared her the most.

She had never been a person who relished being alone. That's why it was so nice to have so many sisters and overprotective parents. She could roll her eyes and complain about the clinginess of her family, but she would never have to admit how co-dependent she really was.

That's probably what scared away Ryan. Her deep rooted fear of being abandoned caused her to cling to him in a way that dinged her dignity and hurt her pride. She just couldn't seem to walk away, though, and in the end, it cost her everything.

Kelly had felt for years now like she was stuck in some sort of limbo. Right out of college, it was okay to live in her one bedroom apartment and have a job that didn't really advance her career at all. I mean, everyone had to go through that, right? You have to start out at the bottom rung of the ladder before you could ever climb anywhere of some importance.

After a while, she decided that it was okay to stay where she was, because she was bound to be married soon…right? A single girl had to be spend thrifty, and staying in the one bedroom and at the bottom of the ladder wouldn't really matter so much once her life started moving forward.

The only problem is…her life hasn't really moved forward. She's remained stagnant for so long, it seems almost impossible to have any sort of forward movement. She's spent years waiting on life to take her to all the places she wanted to go. Instead of that happening, though, she kept waiting and waiting and waiting…and nothing ever happened.

Her parents keep telling her it's time to "grow up." If you want something bad enough, all you have to do is go out and fight for it. Make it happen for yourself…don't sit around waiting for someone else to do it for you. Though they wanted Kelly to find a husband and have the life as a wife and mother she always dreamed of, they worried about her wrapping herself up in someone else so much she lost sight of herself.

They just didn't understand, though, the fear that comes with doing that. Even when you're stuck in limbo, there's a certain comfort in familiarity. Big dreams don't mean that much when you can't take the plunge. What if you can't do it? What if you're not strong enough to do all the things you want to do?

She had so many fears. Fear of the dark, fear of the light, fear of failure, fear of being alone…fear that if she gets what she wants, is she going to want what she gets?

For a long time, she thought what she wanted was Ryan. Now she's not so sure. Was it really Ryan she wanted…or was she so damn scared of being alone for the rest of her life that she latched onto the one person who showed an interest? It was too painful to really examine that in depth, of course, so she pushed it to the back of her mind.

If she were being truly honest with herself, she'd realize that all of the pain and mourning she had done for Ryan hadn't really been for _him_, it had been for herself. Losing him meant that she had to stay where she was, and that she may never be able to escape from it. Loneliness is a powerful thing, and once it has you in its grip, it's nearly impossible to break free. Well, at least it is for Kelly.

Darryl always says, "Let go and let God." Kelly wasn't so sure if she was willing to fully let go, but the phrase brought her comfort. And she was letting go… a little bit. Her clinginess was getting better, and Darryl was certainly a forward enough person to let her know when she was getting too high on the irritation scale. But even though he had assured her he wasn't going anywhere, sometimes Kelly is seized with that fear that it's all fleeting. That one day it will all be gone again, and there she will be standing…alone.

So she walks around in the dark in order to remain blind to all the fears she can't ever voice. But every once in a while, a beam of light finds its way through. Whether it's the headlights of a car driving by, or a street lamp turning on, or the soft glow of the refrigerator light bulb, she can't ever seem to truly be in the dark. Sometimes the light scares her. Other times she sees it as a beam of hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, one day she can flip the switch and stand proud in front of that mirror.

It helps, too, when she feels a pair of strong arms wrap around her and whisper into her hair, "It's going to be all right," and even though it's dark, she closes her eyes and thinks, "I hope so."


End file.
